My first love was a five-year relationship that started at the age of 14. Many people might call it “puppy love,” but to me, it was true love. I think that at a young age, you will never know what pain from love feels like. Therefore, you are completely giving and don’t have high expectations of what is returned to you. I was able to share my feelings, emotions and love for him without expecting it from him first (which is an issue I have now). All I wanted to do was show him that I loved him whether or not my love was reciprocated. I never cared because I knew for a fact, without any doubt, that he loved me back. I knew that we held each other’s best interest at heart…
It was an autumn Friday night during the 8th grade. My best friend’s mom picked me up for church in a packed CR-V. To my surprise, the car consisted of my best friend, her older brother, and his two friends. I opened the door, and sat next to one of the friends who I made direct eye contact with. He looked like a deer stuck in headlights when our eyes met. I still remember his facial expression to this day. Moon, my best friend whispers, “He’s cute. He has nice hands.” I looked at the pair of crossed hands next to me, and they were “nice.” We went to church, but we all sat in different places and left at different times. That was our first encounter.
Eighth grade orientation at Fairfax High School finally arrived spring of 2000 (Wow! That was over 10 years ago, and it seemed like yesterday). I remember walking through the locker bay at that time. For some reason I was last in the group. All of a sudden I hear a loud “Hey!” and tap on the back. It startled me. It was Nguyen, one of Moon’s brother’s friends. He said, “You don’t remember me?” I said, “I do,” in a very shy and timid tone. I said, “I have to catch up with my group,” and ran away. Later that night, I received a page (yes, we had pagers at this time, lol). I called the number back thinking it was a guy who was interested in me at the moment. It was Nguyen. We talked for hours. I knew that Nguyen was a “bad boy,” at the time, but it was appealing to me. I was a good girl with straight A’s and had always followed the rules. I guess opposites attract? He got me to sneak out. Maybe it was the thrill of breaking the rules, but it was fun. He just took me to a friend’s house and watch a movie with a bunch of his “gangster” friends. I snuck back in and that was that. Later that week I found out his friend “liked” me and it just became awkward for me, so I stopped talking to him and his friends. Nguyen got a girlfriend and I continued to live my life. I heard a few months or so later that he went to JDC. I wrote him a few letters mainly because I wanted to use my new stationary and pastel ink pens, no lie. Nguyen got out and was on house arrest. He called me every day, and we just became really good friends. I had gotten a new boyfriend at the time and realized I was avoiding him for some odd reason. All I did was talk to Nguyen and my friends started to tell me that I liked him. I was in denial for a while. It truly blossomed from just a friendship. I broke up with my boyfriend of two weeks who I never saw and he broke up with his girlfriend. He got out of house arrest and we all started hanging out. I had a few choices at this time, but I knew Nguyen had the better heart. I chose Nguyen.
The relationship had many ups and downs. When it was high it was REALLY high, and when it was low it was REALLY low. During the relationship I cried many tears of joy and sadness, but I don’t regret one bit of it. We were both quick to say, “I love you,” but the feeling of being in love came years later. I remember one time I got a simple cut on my hand and blood started gushing out. I didn’t feel pain, but when I looked at his face, he had pain on his face. He frantically tried putting alcohol on my hand. It made me feel warmth. We both still recall this moment and those feelings to this day. Even though we weren’t making a lot of money, we saved, and bought things for each other we knew would make each other happy. Sometimes, we could almost know what the other person was thinking. It was just amazing in every way. When you’re in love, I believe that there is no doubt about the feeling of “love.” You just know.
We eventually broke up because there were certain things about my new lifestyle at age 18 he could not accept. Although he trusted me, modeling took a toll on our relationship. He didn’t want me to model, but I was curious and had to see what it was all about. Ultimately I was handed an ultimatum. Model or boyfriend? I chose modeling. Was it worth it? I’m not sure. But would I go back and change my decision? I don’t think so. Nguyen and I have remained great friends and think that we truly still respect and understand one another. I still love him as a person, but to be IN love and give him my all? Not so much.
The lessons learned from this relationship were priceless. He taught me the key ingredients to a successful relationship: loyalty, respect, and trust. I know now that if any of these aspects are lacking, it would never work. He taught me that the one you love will accept you for the way you are…all your imperfections included.
Reflecting upon all that I have written, it makes me think that maybe a relationship based upon a friendship will always work out for the better. There isn’t any obligation to get to be “in a relationship” status so quickly. You would be getting to know the real person, not the person on their “best behavior.” It has also made me realize that after feeling the pain from what love has caused, I’ve also learned to block myself off. It probably wasn’t a good thing, but in order to feel such ecstasy there might be an inconceivable amount of pain involved. I guess the one who opens me up will be the lucky winner…
